There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
