My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize