Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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