At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
