get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Too much gin, very little bucket
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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