My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
