We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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