My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
