What did we do last night that was yellow?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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