if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
