a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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