My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
