dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Houston, we have a blender
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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