She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
