He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
