i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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