That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
