OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
