I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize