its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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