Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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