I seem to have left my pride at pride
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
