omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
