My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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