You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
