god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
