I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
