dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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