he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
