Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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