Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
