i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize