Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
