It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
