I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
