My nipple is on Facebook.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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