The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
