just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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