Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
