an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
