last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
