Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
