seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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