My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
