I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
