...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
