we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
