If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
