Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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