I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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