Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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