rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
