Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
