How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
