exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
