yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
