Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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