I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize