It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
