i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
