Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
