I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
